The Only Attachments a Child Needs

If it were true that more time spent with peers was better for people, then since attendance at institutional schools five days per week became the norm for children in North American by about 1900, would not all of society be near heavenly by now, with more and more civil behavior, no rudeness, no road rage, less crime, no street gangs, fewer and fewer prisons, and less need for courts and judges? This does not appear to be happening. The authors pointed to well-regarded research showing that 12-year-olds who preferred spending free time with their parents rather than gravitating to their peers “. . . demonstrated many more of the characteristics of positive sociability. The kids who spend the most time with one another are the most likely to get into trouble.” (p. 242)

Two quotes will fitly wrap up this article that is supposed to somehow relate to education and the importance, or not, of parents to it.

To be sure, socializing plays a part in rendering a child capable of true social integration, but only as a finishing touch. The child must first of all be able to hold on to herself when interacting with others and to perceive the others as separate beings. This is no easy task, even for adults. When a child knows her own mind and values the separateness of another’s mind, then—and only then—is she ready to hold on to her sense of self, while respecting that of the other person. Once this developmental milestone is achieved, social interaction will hone the child’s individuality and hone his relationship as well. (p. 242)

Keep in mind, neither Drs. Neufeld and Maté nor I are saying children should never be with children.

Finally, do Dr. Neufeld and Dr. Maté have anything to say about parents? Yes, a lot. For example, consider the following statements:

Until children are capable of true friendship, they really do not need friends, just attachments. And the only attachments a child needs are with family and those who share responsibility for the child. What a child really needs is to become capable of true friendship, a fruit of maturation that develops only in a viable relationship with a caring adult. Our time is more wisely spent cultivating relationships with the adults in our child’s life than obsessing about their relationships with one another. (p. 244)

It appears many in the modern parent-led home-education movement knew, thirty years ago, what these two men gleaned from research and experience and put to work in their noteworthy book, Hold On to Your Kids.2


1. Neufeld, Gordon, & Maté, Gabor. (2004). Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. New York, NY: Ballantine Books.

2. For a full study on how adults who were home educated are doing in “the real world,” consider the following book: Ray, Brian D. (2004). Home Educated and Now Adults: Their Community and Civic Involvement, Views About Homeschooling, and Other Traits. Salem, OR: National Home Education Research Institute.

Author’s Note: Please feel free to send your questions about research related to home-based education and raising children to

Brian D. Ray, Ph.D., is president of the National Home Education Research Institute, a nonprofit research and education organization. Dr. Ray he often serves as an expert witness in courts, testifies to legislatures, and is interviewed by the media. Brian is married to Betsy and they have eight children and four grandchildren.

Copyright 2012, used with permission. All rights reserved by author. Originally appeared in the March 2012 issue of The Old Schoolhouse® Magazine, the family education magazine. Read the magazine free at or read it on the go and download the free apps at to read the magazine on your mobile devices.

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